I had begun writing an entry yesterday morning, shortly before heading off to rehearsal for a reading I did tonight. I came back last night and reviewed what I'd written and decided it simply wasn't appropriate for this blog. I'm not sure if it was really about Valentine's Day, or some silliness like that. But here I am on the day and now I feel compelled to do something productive. To write about the post I never posted. Meta, right?
I never really cared for Valentine's Day. It's funny, I realized that this marks two Valentine's Days in a row where I played a sexual deviant. I have a few types of roles I will often play. But I do find that these days I find myself longing for a place to be myself. I'm not saying that I'm not honest with my relationships with people, but I find that there are really only a small number of people out there I can be completely unguarded around. You know those people with whom you can literally say nothing at all and it's all okay? Yeah.
I've never been one of those "I hate Valentine's Day" types. I've also never really been known for being particularly romantic of Valentine's Day. The exception being February 14th 2006, when I made a totally awesome mix CD for my then girlfriend...
I've grown up alot since my emo rocker poet days. I find what I long now is no longer a feeling of validation. I don't want a girlfriend right now, to be honest. Frankly, I've enjoyed my "rock star phase" these past three years.
The things on my mind are a little more complicated than "I want love" or "I want to be free". What I want is for something to make me want things I never knew I wanted...
Did that make any sense at all?
The CoLab is giving me direction right now. For my career. I have a direction, career wise. As a young man, I'm still a little lost.
I put everything on the line last year. I won't go into details, but I was very close to "running off and joining the circus." Except replace "joining the circus" with "grow up and settle down."
It didn't happen. And I suppose that's not a bad thing.
So in conclusion, I guess what I'm trying to say about Valentine's Day this year is this:
Why should I go about looking for someone I love when I thought I'd already found her?
I'll let Mr. Oberst do the singing for me.