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Monday, July 12, 2010

The Inferiority Complex

Am I doing enough? My boobs are too small. Am I good enough? Am I doing it right? My teeth are too big. Do I want it badly enough? What can I do to be better? I'm too tall. What can I do to be successful? Do I need to go to grad school? I'm not tall enough. What should I be focusing on?.......

I spent the weekend in New York.

I love to visit New York. See family and friends, maybe a show, and the shopping is the best. Plus where else can you get brunch with three Screwdrivers at 5:30pm for $20? It's an amazing city. But after a few days there my inevitable actor inferiority complex begins to set in. The philosophy of "New York is the only city in this country where you can be a successful artist" has, whether I like it or not, been trained in to me. And even though at my worst I resent it, and at my best I have dreams of changing it, it is more or less true. When I'm not surrounded by the hustle and bustle of the city, it's easier to put out of my mind. To appreciate the successes I've had in Boston and how much I've grown here. And realistically, I'm not cut out for the starving artist lifestyle...I've made it 24 years without waiting tables and I'm not really interested in starting now (not because there's something wrong with waiting tables, but mostly because other people's food kinda grosses me out.) I like schedules and routines, so the come-what-may life you need to lead to act in New York would be excruciatingly hard for me. But it is the place where people make it. And it's glamorous. And risky. And big. And Pinkberry delivers. It's alive in a way that's different from everywhere else. And that draw brings out in me the girl who dreamed of making it big...or at least making it for real.

My goals have changed since then. And so have I. My insecurities as an actor and a person are different. My strengths and confidences are too, for that matter. And I want to believe that Boston, and other cities around the country can, with some hard-work and mindset changes, harbor good art and good artists who can survive doing what they love. And I'm dedicated to being part of that change. But sometimes those insecurities are hard to ignore. And so is the draw of the big city lights. And so it leaves me wondering how to plan for the future and how to prioritize my goals.

But I find that mostly I'm glad to be home. In a city I love. Leaving the struggling, insecure actress a 4 hour, $13 bus ride away.

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