I'm at a pretty typical crossroads, almost two years out of college. Totally broke, a passion I want to pursue (that will keep me continually broke), and no idea what the fuck to do next. It's overwhelming. And lately I've been pretty emotional about it.
I know, most of you are thinking, "Well duh, you're an actor, of course you're emotional!".
But truly as a person, I'm usually pretty cool and collected. I often say I know I'm meant to be an actor because it's totally antithetical to everything that I am as a person but I can't imagine my life with out it. It's what makes me really happy, really alive, centered. And this feeling of late of being off center, of being unsure, of being not myself really set me thinking.
I like to work in lots of facets of theatre and for the past 6 months that's what I've been doing. I directed, I was an administrator, and right now I'm rehearsal stage managing. I've considered myself lucky to be able to keep opening up my network in these different ways. To be meeting new people and experiencing different kinds of work. Most of which I'm pretty good at. The logical, Type A, control freak in me excels at scheduling, lists, and bossing people around. A necessary trait for any good director/administrator/stage manager.
But it's not what I love.
I love acting. And without it, I'm finding, it's hard to make everything else make sense.
I guess I never realized this before.
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I wandered a bit for a while, and as any one in the industry knows its hard to work with out a good network and strong roots. So obviously I was doing a lot less than I wanted. I pursued other interest easier to begin and maintain than was, namely comedy, improv and music. I was performing mind you and it definitely helped me develop a unique perspective in that respect but it wasn't strong, cohesive well written drama which is a bit of my bag. So I got gloomy, and in the moment I had no idea why? I ended up on an audition nailing hotspurs opening monologue in Henry 4 and it hit me. It had been two years since I'd gone on stage an actor. Two years since I had immersed myself in the wonderful work of finding yourself inside another being's shoes. I admit to having many varied interests and talents but personally I feel acting is one that completely inhabits a massive portion of my being. I have friends with more talent and success than I but as I get older more prove that as much as they enjoy the art they do not posses the consuming love for it I do. Few do perhaps and fewer still have it and are blessed with success (whatever that means) but no matter how cruel and unforgiving things may fall it is a fire that is hard to extinguish. This phenomenon in people of our ilk is fantastic and on of the most exciting aspects of theater is being able to collaborate with those gifted with it is one of the most fantastic part of working in this art form.
ReplyDeletep.s. love the blog
J.G